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Everybody Hates Alabama

Today, we take on one of the most talked about teams in the SEC.  Opposing fans love to talk about the Crimson Tide almost as much as Tide fans love to talk about themselves.  Lets be honest….it’s easy to hate on Alabama.  The problem is most people hate on the Tide for the wrong reasons.  You see, it’s easy to hate a program when they are successful.  That is why so many people hate the Yankees, Cowboys, and Lakers–they win–a lot.  However, this article won’t stoop to the simplistic level of hating based on wins.  The Dweller has more respect than that, and our readers deserve better.

I assume that most people reading this article will be Alabama fans, so I have decided to stay away from “big” words like “arithmetic”, and have broken down paragraphs into simple, easy-to-read bullet points. You’re welcome Bammers.

  •  Championships–  While some people hate the Tide for winning championships, most people hate the Tide for claiming championships–13 total.  This has, and always will be debated.  The issue is that while the NCAA recognizes “consensus” national champions, they don’t actually award them, and they only go back to 1950 when counting “consensus” national titles.  This miscalculation comes as no surprise to me, having lived in the state of Alabama my whole life and hearing hearing Bama fans on gamedays talk about the 30 beers they drank before gametime when everyone knows they bought a 12 pack for the day.
  • The “Bear”–  Again, we are not hating on Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant because he won football games, but because of the obsessive nature of worshiping that Bama fans heap on his grave.  From statues, to museums, and even an old sound byte played before kickoff that is undecipherable, UA fans laud the legendary coach.  No other fan base has obsessed over a clothing pattern like the Tide has with the houndstooth pattern that was worn by Bryant. The comical part of this is that most fans actually believe Coach Bryant invented this pattern, and deserves credit for such.

  • Nick Saban–  The love doesn’t stop with the “Bear”.  Bama’s latest love-fest is borderline scary.  Since arriving on campus, Nick Saban  has sent the fan base into a psychotic frenzy that resembles an acid-fueled Woodstock festival.  Most coaches outside of the SEC would consider issuing 101,000 restraining orders on game days, but Saban, standing around 5’5”, basks in the attention.  Face it Bammers, thats what coaches do–they bask.  They are some of the most ego-driven human beings you will meet.  They aren’t there to be your friends, nor do they care about your University, unless they went to school there.  Coaches, including your beloved Saban, will consider leaving ANY school for the right amount of money and opportunity.  That is the truth, and the fact that most UA fans believe that Nicky cares about them, their children, their dog, or their University are sadly mistaken.

  • Bama Bangs–  The phenomenon of “Bama Bangs” is something that is difficult to comprehend unless you’ve witnessed it in person.  For those of you who are unaware, let me explain–or better yet–let me show you.  Make no mistake, this is not a passing fad, but a rite of passage for most Bammers, and a sign of seniority among fraternity members.  You can usually spot one of the many 6th-year Seniors by their lengthy, well-combed bangs.  Once a student has achieved “Bama Bangs” status, their whole demeanor changes, and they actually believe that Alabama’s fan base is comprised of upstanding, non-redneck, classy fans–which brings us to our next point.

    A classic example of "Bama Bangs"

Like so many Bama QBs before him, Sims was forced to adapt.

  •  Delusions of Grandeur–  If you have ever had a football conversation with a Bama fan before the start of a season you will undoubtedly hear the same prediction–a National Championship.  I, for one, applaud their optimism, and having won several titles in the past, I guess it’s not as far-fetched as an Ole Miss fan making such a prediction, but here’s where it starts bothering people–most Bammers that I have come across can’t carry on an intelligent, unbiased football conversation.  In fact, most of them couldn’t name an opposing team’s starting quarterback.  As a fan, I can name my team’s strengths AND weaknesses–Alabama’s weaknesses? Bammer:”Weaknesses?! We ain’t got none of them.”              Fan:”Oh.  Didn’t you lose your top receiving threat and still working on your QB situation?”                                              Bammer:”Don’t matter none.  We’ll just hand the ball to Trent Richardson 50 times a game.  He’s a BEAST!  Roll Tide.”                     The other delusion that most Bama fans have is that they are less redneck than other school’s fanbases.  Bammers will attack every surrounding school in the conference while sitting smack in the middle of Redneck, USA.  The truth is, every SEC school has blue-collared blood running through its historical veins, and that’s what makes our fan bases so freakin’ crazy, but Bammers will deny it up and down.  Let’s not forget where you chose to showcase your National Championship trophy.  Take one good look at Tuscaloosa, not on a game day, and tell me you would consider moving there.  If you would, then your job search is down to fast food, hotels, or gas stations.  Last year, all I heard was how Penn State fans couldn’t stop talking about how accommodating and classy all the fans were last year.  AND???  Some rude Yankees told you how nice you were–get over it!  They were probably surprised you had running water and paved road.  Cut your bangs and see the light.

Smart PR move....display it where most of your fan base shops.

Lets be honest.  We live in SEC country.  Nobody likes anybody unless you are one of those weird people that actually cheer for other SEC teams to do well.  This is a hate on the University of Alabama and theres more where that came from.  Hate Alabama?  Submit your comments.  Love Alabama?  Screw you.

This article is part of the “Everybody Hates” Series. Check out the other parts here:
Arkansas
Vanderbilt
Ole Miss
Tennessee
LSU
Kentucky

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