Category Archives: Hate

Everybody Hates Alabama

Today, we take on one of the most talked about teams in the SEC.  Opposing fans love to talk about the Crimson Tide almost as much as Tide fans love to talk about themselves.  Lets be honest….it’s easy to hate on Alabama.  The problem is most people hate on the Tide for the wrong reasons.  You see, it’s easy to hate a program when they are successful.  That is why so many people hate the Yankees, Cowboys, and Lakers–they win–a lot.  However, this article won’t stoop to the simplistic level of hating based on wins.  The Dweller has more respect than that, and our readers deserve better.

I assume that most people reading this article will be Alabama fans, so I have decided to stay away from “big” words like “arithmetic”, and have broken down paragraphs into simple, easy-to-read bullet points. You’re welcome Bammers.

  •  Championships–  While some people hate the Tide for winning championships, most people hate the Tide for claiming championships–13 total.  This has, and always will be debated.  The issue is that while the NCAA recognizes “consensus” national champions, they don’t actually award them, and they only go back to 1950 when counting “consensus” national titles.  This miscalculation comes as no surprise to me, having lived in the state of Alabama my whole life and hearing hearing Bama fans on gamedays talk about the 30 beers they drank before gametime when everyone knows they bought a 12 pack for the day.
  • The “Bear”–  Again, we are not hating on Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant because he won football games, but because of the obsessive nature of worshiping that Bama fans heap on his grave.  From statues, to museums, and even an old sound byte played before kickoff that is undecipherable, UA fans laud the legendary coach.  No other fan base has obsessed over a clothing pattern like the Tide has with the houndstooth pattern that was worn by Bryant. The comical part of this is that most fans actually believe Coach Bryant invented this pattern, and deserves credit for such.

  • Nick Saban–  The love doesn’t stop with the “Bear”.  Bama’s latest love-fest is borderline scary.  Since arriving on campus, Nick Saban  has sent the fan base into a psychotic frenzy that resembles an acid-fueled Woodstock festival.  Most coaches outside of the SEC would consider issuing 101,000 restraining orders on game days, but Saban, standing around 5’5”, basks in the attention.  Face it Bammers, thats what coaches do–they bask.  They are some of the most ego-driven human beings you will meet.  They aren’t there to be your friends, nor do they care about your University, unless they went to school there.  Coaches, including your beloved Saban, will consider leaving ANY school for the right amount of money and opportunity.  That is the truth, and the fact that most UA fans believe that Nicky cares about them, their children, their dog, or their University are sadly mistaken.

  • Bama Bangs–  The phenomenon of “Bama Bangs” is something that is difficult to comprehend unless you’ve witnessed it in person.  For those of you who are unaware, let me explain–or better yet–let me show you.  Make no mistake, this is not a passing fad, but a rite of passage for most Bammers, and a sign of seniority among fraternity members.  You can usually spot one of the many 6th-year Seniors by their lengthy, well-combed bangs.  Once a student has achieved “Bama Bangs” status, their whole demeanor changes, and they actually believe that Alabama’s fan base is comprised of upstanding, non-redneck, classy fans–which brings us to our next point.

    A classic example of "Bama Bangs"

Like so many Bama QBs before him, Sims was forced to adapt.

  •  Delusions of Grandeur–  If you have ever had a football conversation with a Bama fan before the start of a season you will undoubtedly hear the same prediction–a National Championship.  I, for one, applaud their optimism, and having won several titles in the past, I guess it’s not as far-fetched as an Ole Miss fan making such a prediction, but here’s where it starts bothering people–most Bammers that I have come across can’t carry on an intelligent, unbiased football conversation.  In fact, most of them couldn’t name an opposing team’s starting quarterback.  As a fan, I can name my team’s strengths AND weaknesses–Alabama’s weaknesses? Bammer:”Weaknesses?! We ain’t got none of them.”              Fan:”Oh.  Didn’t you lose your top receiving threat and still working on your QB situation?”                                              Bammer:”Don’t matter none.  We’ll just hand the ball to Trent Richardson 50 times a game.  He’s a BEAST!  Roll Tide.”                     The other delusion that most Bama fans have is that they are less redneck than other school’s fanbases.  Bammers will attack every surrounding school in the conference while sitting smack in the middle of Redneck, USA.  The truth is, every SEC school has blue-collared blood running through its historical veins, and that’s what makes our fan bases so freakin’ crazy, but Bammers will deny it up and down.  Let’s not forget where you chose to showcase your National Championship trophy.  Take one good look at Tuscaloosa, not on a game day, and tell me you would consider moving there.  If you would, then your job search is down to fast food, hotels, or gas stations.  Last year, all I heard was how Penn State fans couldn’t stop talking about how accommodating and classy all the fans were last year.  AND???  Some rude Yankees told you how nice you were–get over it!  They were probably surprised you had running water and paved road.  Cut your bangs and see the light.

Smart PR move....display it where most of your fan base shops.

Lets be honest.  We live in SEC country.  Nobody likes anybody unless you are one of those weird people that actually cheer for other SEC teams to do well.  This is a hate on the University of Alabama and theres more where that came from.  Hate Alabama?  Submit your comments.  Love Alabama?  Screw you.

This article is part of the “Everybody Hates” Series. Check out the other parts here:
Arkansas
Vanderbilt
Ole Miss
Tennessee
LSU
Kentucky

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Welcome Back Football

Get out your croakies, swoop your hair to the side, tighten that tie and get ready for some SEC football!

Can you feel it?  Today is the day we’ve all been waiting for.  Sure, there are only two SEC teams on the slate tonight but you can practically feel the wind blowing through your Bama bangs, the sweat dripping off your croakies, the tie tightening around your neck, the shaker sitting in your back pocket.  You can practically hear Sandstorm over the loud speaker, the fighter jets swooping low over the stadium or the Bear’s raspy voice sending chills down your spine.  It’s football season again, and just like every other season, it feels like it’s been too long.

With the SEC season set to kick off on tonight with Mississippi State vs. Memphis and Kentucky vs. Western Kentucky and all the rest of our favorite teams ready to suit up for the long haul on Saturday, I wanted to get you ready for some of the new features that the Dweller is going to be rolling out throughout the regular season.  Sure, we’ve had a lot of fun putting out stuff leading up to the season but it’s the real games that are what we’ve been waiting for, just like all of you.

As Chris introduced yesterday, every week we’re going to be helping the gamblers out there hopefully pick some games that could help make you a little cash on the side.

I’ll be starting a countdown of the greatest rivalries in the conference, revealing a new one every week until the final week of the season.  If you are passionate about a particular rivalry and want it included, there’s still time to convince me that it belongs near the top of the list.  Just send any comments or questions to thebasementdweller.sadler@gmail.com.

We’ll all be writing about the key matchups each week that you need to be aware of and we’ll be rolling out some stuff about the worst games of the week, as well.  Also, look out for recaps of all the best games of each weekend.

Jeff will be continuing his History of the SEC, Chris will be continuing his Key Games series, the Hate series will of course continue and hopefully we’ll give you all the things that you need to know as the season progresses.

Thanks for continuing to read the Dweller and Roll Tide! (or Go Cats, War Eagle, Go Dawgs’, Ring a Cowbell, sing Hotty Toddy, Go ‘Dores, Go ‘Cocks, sing Rocky Top, Go Gators, Sooooooiiiiieeeee, or Geaux Tigers. . . . or whatever other crazy thing you may say)

Follow us on Twitter @SEC_Dweller and “like” us on Facebook.

-Sadler

Everybody Hates Arkansas

“This is going to be our year.”

How many times have you heard those words come out of the mouth of an Arkansas fan?  Granted, the Hogs field a fairly competitive team annually.  They limp into a bowl game just about every season, being mainstays in the Cotton, Liberty, and Independence Bowls.  But let’s look at some of the facts Woopig fans.  You’ve had a winning record in SEC play only three times this century, and seven of the last 20 seasons.  You’ve made it to Atlanta to represent the West in the SEC Championship game a whopping three times, being completely ran off the field in two of those three appearances, and losing by 10 in the other.  That’s including 2002 when Alabama would’ve gone to Atlanta had they not been banned from post-season play.  Lastly, what about the Hogs’ wonderful bowl record of 12-23-3?  That pretty much speaks for itself.

Do you know this man?

There are some things that a sane human being just would not do—wearing a “hog hat” is one of them.  Seriously, this thing has to be the most ridiculous piece of fan attire to ever be created.  Sure, they’re fine to make in children’s sizes for the kids to wear, but the problem is the only people I’ve seen wearing these things are grown men.  Please stop making these things…please.

Arkansas plays two or three of their “home” games every season at War Memorial Stadium in Little Rock.  Now, I’ve never heard of a reason that the Hogs play games in Little Rock, but I’ve managed to come up with a couple of theories on my own.  One, the University is so ashamed of the hell hole that is Fayetteville that they don’t want to disgrace the fans any more than they have to.  Two, Little Rock is literally the only city in Arkansas.  The rest of the state consists of nothing.  It might as well not even be a state—just break it up and give each of the surrounding states a fourth of it.  Lastly, the main reason they play games at War Memorial is because when you type in “Fayetteville, AR” on your GPS system, all it does is laugh and ask you why in the living hell you would want to go there.

If you’ve never talked to an Arkansas fan before, I suggest you give yourself the opportunity to do so at least once in your lifetime.  More often than not, you’ll come away with the perception that they could very well be the most delusional fan base in the history of the world.  Your team will be belittled and picked apart, position by position, and you will be told why a player at that position for Arkansas is better than the player on your team, even if your player is a Preseason All-American and the player from Arkansas has never played a down at the college level.  Also, Arkansas’s coach, no matter who it is at the time, is better than your coach.  After years of being “the best big game coach in the SEC”, Houston Nutt was fired for–you guessed it–not winning enough “big games”.  Now Bobby Petrino is the savior in Fayetteville.  I’ll spare you my opinion on the fact that this man up and left the Atlanta Falcons with three games remaining in their season.  Albeit, Arky’s record has improved since Petrino arrived, but with Ryan Mallett now gone, how good will the Hogs really be?

I could go on for days listing some of the most ridiculous comments regarding Arkansas’s football team that you will ever hear.  The saddest part about it is that Arkansas fans actually think fans of other schools are delusional.  Here is my request to the “Hog Nation”:

Arkansas fans—please wake up.  Snap out of it.  You’re living in a dream world.  Let us know when you win something that actually makes you relevant.

-Chris

This article is part of the “Everybody Hates” Series. Check out the other parts here:
Vanderbilt
Ole Miss
Tennessee
LSU
Kentucky

Everybody Hates Vandy

 

This article is part of the “Everybody Hates” Series.  Check out other parts here:
Ole Miss
Tennessee
LSU
Kentucky

On my way home from Pasadena, where I attended the BCS Championship Game in January 2010, I struck up a conversation with an older man in a nice suit, overcoat, and top hat while waiting for my flight from Atlanta to Nashville.  He had noticed the Bama attire I had on, and began to explain to me that he was a professor from Vanderbilt that had been to a conference about a subject so boring I can’t begin to remember what it could’ve possibly been.  We were talking about the SEC, and about how we, as a conference, have dominated just about every sport they can come up with.  The only part of the conversation that I can remember with this man was when he told me that “you should be happy we let you stay in our conference”.  Now, being in the festive mood that I was in since we had just won the Championship (and I had made a lot of money in Vegas), I just let the guy blabber on and eventually go on his merry way thinking he had educated me on how Vanderbilt runs the conference.  What I really wanted to say would’ve been a mixture of some of the facts to come in this article, without a few other choice words.

Here’s a look at Vanderbilt’s football program’s pathetic existence by the numbers:

1—The number of bowl appearances for the Dores since 1982.

2—The number of wins for Vandy in each of the last two seasons.

3—The number of different head coaches over the last three seasons.

4—Their total number of bowl appearances.

5—The best single-season win total amassed by the “great” Jay Cutler while at Vanderbilt.

**WILD CARD NUMBER** 11—Surprisingly, the number of Vanderbilt alum currently playing in the NFL.

It’s hard for a fan of college football to look at a schedule every year and wonder why this school is still fielding a team under the SEC banner.  The only way they sell out their stadium is if the visiting team is within a reasonable driving distance.  The only time I have been to a Vanderbilt football game is when the Tide visited Vanderbilt Stadium (yes, they don’t even have anyone significant enough to dedicate the stadium to), and the capacity crowd had to be made up of at least 75% Alabama fans.  I lay awake at night sometimes wondering if anyone in the SEC office will ever have the gall to bring up the fact that Vanderbilt football is the only thing responsible for any respect that we don’t get.  You have to ask yourself, is it really worth keeping a junior varsity team in our league just so our academic numbers look better?  Do we really want to keep giving this school a share of the money that is earned via bowl games won by teams that actually compete every season?

I plan on starting a petition to rid the SEC of Vanderbilt’s football program.  Why can’t they just be like Notre Dame and be Independents during football season, and included in the SEC for other sports?  My only hope is that someone from Vanderbilt will read this article and come to a realization that it is just not ethically responsible to continue to steal money from the rest of the conference.  However, you and I both know that’s just wishful thinking.

-Chris

Everybody Hates Ole Miss

Before getting into this post please read the intro to this series.

Are you ready????

The Hotty Toddy chant is famous even outside of the Grove for its obnoxiousness.

An artist's (commisioned by Ole Miss) interpretation of Hotty Toddy. Hmmm..... needs croakies.

Hotty Toddy, Gosh almighty
Who the hell are we, Hey!
Flim Flam, Bim Bam
OLE MISS BY DAMN!’

First paragraph and I already feel like I am  over Sadler’s unspoken limit on four letter words.  I will skip over the nonsense words thrown in because apparently “damn” is too hard a word to rhyme with, you get a pass on that (this time).  But that sounded like a question in there.  “Who the hell are we?”  Would you really like to know?  Are you ready?

Ole Miss is the joke the other five teams in the SEC West share.  Mississippi is the only team in the Western Division that has never won the division title (18 seasons).  Atlanta and the Georgia Dome are like myths in Oxford.  The U of M’s last SEC title was in 1963 and has not made a trip to the Sugar Bowl since 1970.  Ole Miss claims 3 National Championships (1959, 1960, 1962) but was not ranked #1 in the final rankings by either the Associated Press or Coaches’ Poll (UPI) in any of those seasons.  We are ‘Ole Miss by damn’.  OK, fine, but it really isn’t anything worth yelling about or getting worked up over.

Mascot(s)

He's no Admiral Ackbar

So Colonel Reb has been phased out because some considered him racist, but all the sports teams are still called Rebels.  The new mascot is even called the Rebel Black Bear.  So why did we need to get rid of the Colonel?  Are older white men with awesome mustaches inherently racist?  Let’s be honest here, the caricature known as Col. Reb is not the reason people considered Ole Miss as racist.  However it could have had something to do with the university refusing to integrate its football team until 1972, and/or fans waving Rebel flags during games till they were banned in 2003, but only maybe.  It is too bad that Col. Reb was used as the scapegoat in this case.

But why Rebels in the first place?  Are Ole Miss fans aware the the Rebels came in 2nd (out of 2) during the Civil War?  Why not just be the Ole Miss Losers, or Surrender-ers?  With their recent history that actually might be more fitting.

Back to the new mascot, the Rebel Black Bear.  He was elected by a committee  that polled current students, faculty, staff, alumni, and season ticket holders. Here is an excerpt from the official statement released by the Mascot Selection Committee announcing the winner.

"Remember, football is 80% mental and 40% physical." Relevant.

“The poll indicated that 62 percent of those polled support the Rebel Black Bear. The Rebel Land Shark drew 56 percent support, and Hotty Toddy drew 42 percent.” [link]

Keep in mind, that was only 3 of the total 11 mascots voted on.  Who knows how high the total percentage of votes was?

The Blind Side

"You gotta protect the blind side, that's the side the quarterback can't see. That's why the call it the blind side. Cause he can't see."

First off, I enjoyed the Blind Side and thought it was a well written, acted, and produced movie and tells a heartwarming and inspiring story.  The problem I have here is that the phrase “blind side” is now the go-to phrase for people who know nothing about football, who want to prove they know football.  If you are ever in a conversation and someone uses this term more than 3 times in a 5 minute period, ask them what side of the ball a guard plays on.  Then wait as they answer with a blank and lost look.  Here is an actual conversation I had the displeasure of being a part of:

Blind Side Fan:  “Did you know that more often than not, the second highest paid player on a team is the left tackle?  Seriously, it is the left tackle’s job is to protect the quarterback from what he can’t see coming. To protect his blind side.”

Me:  “What if the quarterback is left-handed?”

BSF:  “Huh?!?”

Me:  “Nevermind, I don’t really want to hear what Sandra Bullock thinks about left tackles.  So, what do you think about nickelbacks?”

BSF:  “What?  Like the band?  I thought we were talking about football?”

Me:  “……..”

BSF:  “Did you know that Lawrence Taylor…”

Me:  “Please stop talking.”

That’s right, I blame you Ole Miss.

-Jeff

Like what you read here?                                                                                            Check out other entries in our ‘hate’ series.  Tennessee; LSU.                                 or, follow us on twitter @SEC_Dweller.

Everybody Hates Tennessee

You can read each article in our “Hate” series:  Intro (HERE); Kentucky (HERE); LSU (HERE)

The next team in our continuing series is the Tennessee Volunteers.  As many of you outside of Knoxville are very aware, there are more than a few reasons to hate the Volunteers, so we’ll just try and hit the highlights. We will more than likely miss a few, so please, add any that you feel we missed in the comment section below the article.

Volunteers

Really? You let this fruitcake defeat you in 90 minutes?

The Volunteers.  The Mighty Volunteers.  Nothing puts the fear into opponents like the image of someone ladling out soup for the homeless or someone folding clothes at Goodwill.  I’m surprised they don’t turn and run for the hills screaming when they conjure up the image of someone handing out water during a 5K fun run.  And before you get preachy, we do know our history; but naming your team after some guys who marched all the way to Texas to get killed by the Mexican army is still a stupid thing to name your team after.  Does Mexico even have an army anymore?  Not to mention that Santa Anna sounds like a community in South Florida where retirees go to play shuffle board and blow all their money before they die, not a guy who could kill the mighty volunteers from Tennessee in 90 minutes. 90 minutes. . . . seriously?  During any home game, Rocky Top is played more than 90 minutes.  Speaking of which. . . .

Your Fight Song

Worst in the division.  Worst in the conference.   Worst in the country.  No song is hated more in all of college football than Rocky Top.  And what’s worse is that’s it like the entire band is on repeat for the entirety of every single game.  Here is the official list of reasons to play Rocky Top:

  • First down
  • Touchdown
  • PAT
  • Beginning of the 1st, 2nd , 3rd or 4th quarter
  • End of the 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th quarter
  • You are offered moonshine
  • Fumble recovery
  • Interception
  • Cheerleader correctly spelling Tennessee and/or Volunteer
  • Sack
  • Tackle for loss
  • Defensive stop on 3rd or 4th down
  • Finding a dollar in your pocket that you didn’t know was there
  • Incomplete pass from opposition
  • Run of 7 yards or less from opposition
  • Kick or punt return of more than 4 yards
  • Someone near you tells you how Peyton would do it
  • You have an instrument in your hand

Brothers

Hard

Not one but two sets of annoying brothers!!  First came Casey Clausen (The Iceman) followed by his brother Rick, who was one of the worst SEC quarterbacks we have ever watched.  And Casey was one of the most illogically arrogant players that we have ever watched.  And don’t think we don’t count Jimmy in there.  But as if the Clausen brothers weren’t enough, we had to endure the Colquitt brothers for what seemed like an entire decade. . .and not only were the brothers punters but so were their dad and uncle.  Seriously, what family aspires to be awesome punters?

The Worst Shade of Orange on Earth

I really would have liked to have been in the boardroom when the higher ups at Tennessee were deciding on what colors they would choose to represent the university, I imagine it would have sounded something like this:

Higher Up #1: “We obviously have to have white but what other color could we use?”

Higher Up #2:  “What about a majestic orange?”

Higher up #3:  “Not just any orange, an orange that looks like what a five year old puked up after drinking a gallon of orange soda!!”

Other 2 Higher Ups:  “GENIUS!”

Neyland Stadium

So, I’m sure that Neyland Stadium is awesome to go to for a game but what’s up with Tennessee constantly having to try and compete with all the other big stadiums in the country.  Along with expansions to keep up with other growing stadiums, when Alabama expanded their stadium to the point that it seated more than Neyland, they started counting standing room in their official count so that they would be able to say they had were still bigger than Alabama.  Sounds to us like someone’s a little light in the shorts.

Peyton Manning

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

He’s the best quarterback to have ever lived!  And he does hilarious commercials!  Did you see the Sprint one!?  He had on a fake mustache!!

Again, this is just chipping at the surface of why everyone hates Tennessee. . . . . please, add more in the comment section.  We don’t want to have missed any.

-Jeff and Sadler

Everybody Hates LSU

You can read each article in our “Hate” series:  Intro (HERE); Kentucky (HERE)

LSU fans aka "Coonasses" are known to fall for simple traps such as these on gamedays

It’s not hard to hate on this next team.  Their success in the last decade is enough to provoke all kinds of hate, but it’s the reasons we will discuss below that will make you want to punch a baby.

“EAUX”
Adding “eaux” to end of a word was clever at first.  Now, 100 million references later, it’s just annoying.

“Death Valley”
We know your night games get loud, but Death Valley is an actual place in California. Calling your stadium Death Valley is just stupid.

Originality                                                                                                                                     Not only did LSU name their stadium after an already-named place in California, they picked the Tigers as their mascot, and guess what they named him……Mike. They are just oozing with originality. It could only get worse if they hired John Smith as their next football coach.

The Coach
Let’s start with the hat.  Who wears a hat like that?  And how does it stay on his head? The whole hat thing is so absurd that LSU fans actually call Les Miles “The Hat”…creative, right?
As lucky as Miles has been the last few years with his play-calling/guessing, LSU fans actually think he’s a genius!  That Tennessee game last year was all Les, remember?!  My last comment will be in the form of this video, which speaks for itself…

Yard Markers
Most all stadiums paint the yardage markers every 10 yards…..except LSU.  LSU finds it necessary to paint the lines every 5 yards.  Probably because most LSU fans/players can only count to 5.

What is that Smell?
Ask anyone who lives outside of Baton Rouge…..it smells like corn dogs.

Baton Rouge
Speaking of Baton Rouge….it isn’t New Orleans, but it’s still in Louisiana.  It’s like the worst of both worlds.

Alumni
LSU is responsible for Shaquille O’Neal (annoying), Jamarcus Russell (failure), Will Wright (created the Sims game–lame), and James Carville (ugly).

LSU alumni, James Carville, has been called "circus ugly".

So there you go.  My favorite reasons to hate the LSU Tigers.  I know there has to be more, so feel free to submit your favorite reasons or stories of why you hate this French-Canadian backwoods excuse for a university.

– Darrin